


no consolation/no accusation

by Adri_K



Category: Star Wars Legends: Knights of the Old Republic (Video Games)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:35:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23560885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adri_K/pseuds/Adri_K
Summary: Atton has trouble processing the fact that he's now a Jedi.A post Nar Shaddaa conversation
Relationships: Female Jedi Exile/Atton "Jaq" Rand, The Jedi Exile/Atton "Jaq" Rand
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	no consolation/no accusation

_Switch the face of the +5/-5 card, the totals are 18-20. Damn it._

Atton was at his usual spot on the Ebon Hawk that stood completely still. All systems were offline and the view outside was boring – the pilot couldn’t see or hear anything that could hold his attention for long. So he kept playing pazaak in his head, and he kept losing to one imaginary opponent after the other. Too much has happened in a very short time and Atton didn’t feel caught up with everything – especially not with the fact that he was now a Jedi.

The scoundrel’s thoughts kept drifting back to that moment in the Refugee Sector: the moment when the Exile accepted him as her student. Atton was surprised when she did so, even though he didn’t know what to expect at all. At that point he was mostly acting on instinct. And he broke Illa’s heart in the process.

Atton knew what he said was unfair. However, he would have done anything to make Illa stop, at first. To make her stop asking, to make her stop reminding him of a life he wished he never chose. The Exile just listened. In retrospect, Atton could tell, she was used to words like those. And yet her defiance got under his skin in a way he didn’t expect.

_The totals are 10-20._

That was all it took to breach the defenses the pilot has built around his past. The words kept pouring out of him, he laid everything bare, and still, Illa wasn’t scared of him. She merely looked sad, as if she was grieving for the lives he had taken… and then she agreed to train him.

_Add the 3-6 card, the totals are -4-15. This makes no sense._

Atton couldn’t wrap his head around the Exile’s decision. She was hurt and unforgiving, and still…

_The totals are 20-22._

He has won. He got what he wanted. Although he wasn’t sure about the last bit.

Footsteps echoed in the corridor leading to the cockpit. Atton could tell they belonged to Illa. He could recognize her steps anywhere – she always walked as if she was used to higher gravity. The pilot turned to greet her.

‘Good to see you’re back. Where to?’

The Exile flashed a kind smile at the pilot as she approached the panels on the wall. ‘We’ll need to make a quick trip to Telos. I think, I may have just solved their fuel problem,’ she left the panel and took the co-pilot’s seat. ‘At least for now.’

‘You also met that Jedi Master, right? You’ve been busy,’ Atton started the ship’s engines.

‘Says the guy, who just fought half of Nar Shaddaa and pulled off a daring rescue,’ Illa teased the pilot to his surprise.

‘What can I say? I got bored waiting for you in the cantina.’

The Exile chuckled at the reply. Soon they left Nar Shaddaa’s atmosphere, and as Atton plotted their course, he also prepared himself for a new game.

‘You seem a lot calmer than you were earlier,’ the scoundrel tried to sound as casual as possible. The faint smile disappeared from Illa’s lips, and for a few moments, she merely focused on the stars turning into blinding stripes in the darkness, as the Ebon Hawk reached lightspeed. Suddenly she looked exhausted.

‘I’ve had some time to think on Goto’s yacht, and… you have given me a lot to think about,’ Illa turned back to Atton. Even with the blue lights dancing on her face, there was something warm about her. Something calming. Something mesmerizing.

_The totals are 16-19. Maybe the next round…_

‘And? What’s on your mind? Trust me, I can take it,’ Atton tried to reassure her with his usual cockiness.

‘Oh, I don’t doubt that, it’s just…’ the Exile sighed. ‘Look, I don’t think I’m the right person to judge, but… when you said you don’t want my forgiveness… I think you had the right idea. I don’t think it’s possible to forgive what you’ve done.’

_The totals are 20-19. Two more games._

‘Good to know we agree on that,’ Atton stood up from his chair, and took a few steps away from Illa, rubbing a sore spot at the back of his neck. She knew crime and guilt. Her generosity might have been unconditional, but she didn’t extend that to forgiveness. He respected and admired her for it, but at the same time he wondered what else she might have denied from him. He wanted her to look at who he was and accept who he became. Even though he didn’t know who that person was either. He asked for a lot and what he offered in turn might not have been worth it.

‘Atton? Are you listening to me?’ Illa’s voice broke the pilot’s line of thought.

‘Huh? Sorry, I was…’ Atton turned around only to find her standing within arm’s reach. ‘What were you saying?’

‘I said that… you were right about some other things as well,’ the Exile crossed her arms and looked at a spot on the floor. ‘For example, that you… you’ve never reached my body count. But now I also know that I’ve destroyed more lives than I thought… in more ways than I thought…’

_Switch the face of the +2/-2 card, the totals are 19-18._

‘Let me stop you right there,’ Atton could guess where this line of reasoning was headed, and he didn’t like it one bit. The thought of Illa taking responsibility for his life angered him. He refused to be seen as her victim, to be another casualty of war, to become yet another ghost that would haunt her. ‘I chose to follow Revan, and I did that of my own free will. I’m not going to shift the blame to anyone, especially not to you.’

‘But…’

‘You didn’t make me do anything,’ the pilot snapped, ‘so get that out of your head.’

Illa gave him a disapproving look as an answer.

‘I knew you’d be an awfully disagreeable Padawan.’

‘Then why did you agree to train me?’ the scoundrel put his hands on his hips as he asked, jokingly, despite how much he needed the answer.

Illa shrugged. ‘I believe in second chances. I would’ve gone crazy long ago if I didn’t.’

‘That’s a pretty big leap of faith, if you ask me.’

‘Hmmm… not really, it’s only fair,’ she mused. ‘You didn’t believe me when I told you I didn’t go back to the Jedi to be punished. Truth is, I went back to prove myself. I had to explain why I left and I needed to know if it was still what I believed. I got the answers I needed then, and even though I doubt myself from time to time, at least I have something to fall back on to now. I want you to have this too,’ the faint smile reappeared on the Exile’s face. ‘Besides, you will do fine, I think.’

Atton let out a bitter laugh. ‘I don’t know about that,’ he said, prompting Illa to step closer to him and place a hand on his shoulder.

‘Look, I wish I could tell you how to deal with your past, but I have no idea how to do that either. However, if you do me a favor, I could try and help you figure out your future.’

The scoundrel wasn’t sure if the Exile was speaking to him or herself. He couldn’t help but both love and hate her understanding nature.

‘What would be the favor?’

‘Well, don’t die, for starters, and… have a little faith in yourself.’

_Add a +2 card, the totals are 20-20._

Atton grabbed Illa by the waist and pulled her in for an embrace. The Exile let out a surprised gasp, but returned the hug a second later, enveloping the pilot in her soft, bright glow. She once said, the glow meant peace within, and as he held her, Atton could almost feel it. He didn’t know if he could do as she asked, but if he was willing to believe in anything, it was her. He could only hope it was enough.


End file.
